So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
