dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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