Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
