I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
