She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
