Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
