Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
