Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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