Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
