this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
