Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just had sex on a roof
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
not ubering you a puppy
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
