I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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