They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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