she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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