I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
