Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
