I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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