I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
