i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
