I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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