Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
