im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
