I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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