belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
