She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
