Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
