Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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