Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
