I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
