i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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