she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
