Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
