i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
