I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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