he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
