i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
