I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
