Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
