just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
