To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
