Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
