I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
