it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
