Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
