I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
