Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
