I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
