i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
