Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
