It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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