im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
